This is the project that makes other schools think that we are a dream school. Instead of sitting around and reading a textbook, our class got to build a haunted house! We studied the psychology of fear, learned about suspense from Alfred Hitchcock, went to the haunted trails, analyzed scary stories and movies, dove into sensory detail, wrote terrifying stories of our own, and scared people on our exhibition!
Fix bathroom scene: No stick, broken mirror instead
Finish adding detail to end of story, get rid of skeleton feel
Describe streets more.
Maybe add a song to add to 1930s feel
Second Plan:
Make Alfred more relevant
Add in foreshadowing
Make orphanage more relevant
Third Plan:
Make Alfred more relevant
Add in foreshadowing
Make orphanage more relevant
Hint that all he wants is friends and to be away from his family, show his wanting of the orphanage
Have Alfred be more perfect
Delete some description, but still make the orphanage seem too perfect
Make everyone seem slightly off
Show how happy he is, but take it away as soon as Alfred leaves
Have Alfred throw hints of death
“deathly silent”
Blackout after dad’s death, missing piece that is hinted at throughout the story
Fourth Plan:
Make the sections flow
Show smaller signs of remembering, like stains and cuts, etc.
Make him feel more pain when experiencing memory
Clarify when it is a memory
Fifth/Final Plan:
Use the word Skulk, etc.
Find some synonyms and go through each sentence until they are worded exactly the way I want it
Show more pain and confusion when he has these terrible memories, have him questioning his sanity and feel what he went through
Every time he remembers something real, have it translate into his imaginary world. Blood stains, coughing, headache, have him cry and not know why, cuts on his hands that he notices when he picks something up.
So much pain that he blocked out the memory
Supportive Feedback Evidence
Physical Critique
Document Revision History
Sara Islas
10:11 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: Tuesday, October 2nd, 1932: The Last Straw So, I absolutely love your story. I's so complex that I had to read it twice... but in a good way.
I love how his memory slowly comes back to him and how he is struggling to piece everything together.
My biggest critique is about the moment when he recounts everything that happened. I have two thoughts:
First, it should not be copied all together like that. I think there should be more of a summarized or succinct version that has him realizing: oh crap, I killed my dad (or something to that effect, but in your incredible language).
Second, I think you need to make it more obvious that this is the climax. Like, really have him be pained to remember this horrible event. Have him think more internally about how he could have done this or why he did this. He should struggle more when he remembers this. Reply Sara Islas That being said, I think a stronger thread of him trying to remember and wanting to remember could be weaved throughout... I think it's there, but it should be more of a conflict. There should also be a reason why he's blocked it out (it's too painful) and he should have to deal with that pain at the climax (when he remembers).
You are almost there. Amazing work. Wonderful sensory detail and character development! 10:13 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley Thank you so much! I had to change a lot of it last night so I was prepared to revise even more from there. The price where he remembers his dad was NOT supposed to be there in the beginning. You read it before I finished moving it. As for the rest of the critique, thank you so so much! 9:56 AM Oct 14 • Edit • Delete Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:32 AM Oct 20 Sara Islas
9:48 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: good in the assembly line as he this is really curiosity-inducing! i am wondering if you are going to loop back to this Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:53 AM Oct 14 Sara Islas
10:05 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: The once green grass is stained red, and the source lies desolate before me. I stare down at the mangled mess of cowardice. He was a terrible father. He’d only ever spoke to me when I needed discipline. “Spoiled is what you are, boy. Back when I was a kid, I’d’ve been hung for actin’ like you do. You’re a whiny little priss is what you are. You wanna walk around here, glarin’ like you got somethin’ to say to me? Then say it boy! Say it straight to my face like a man. Whether or not you can take what comes after is up to God.” “Sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir.” How ironic that he’s the one who ended up committing the ultimate act of gutlessness. The heat and humidity have already begun the decaying process. The flies seem to be swarming quickly. I see the blood drip, drip, drip from his cracked neck. I picture that he looked almost like a ballerina, dancing, falling through the sky, an unseen beauty lasting for only an instant. Now, he… Is there a way to show this flashback without copying the whole thing again? I think that takes away from the realization. Maybe you could summarize what he realizes? Reply Izadora Mcgawley What you read before wasn't supposed to be there. I deleted it because I moved it here while I was editing. 10:06 PM Oct 13 • Edit • Delete Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:52 AM Oct 14 Sara Islas
10:04 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: The hot Louisiana air seems nonexistent in this place. lovely line Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 10:07 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
10:02 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: ⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿ sorry that last section was moved and I forgot to delete it Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 10:06 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:49 PM Oct 13 Add paragraph Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 10:03 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:49 PM Oct 13 Add paragraph Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 10:03 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:46 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: “Wake up Louisiana! The unemployment rate has hit an all time high at an estimate of 23.6% this past year. Suicide rates are up, and so is the amount of homeless, parentless children roaming the streets of New Orleans.” super intriguing intro Reply Izadora Mcgawley Thanks! I'm finishing up right now! 9:47 PM Oct 13 • Edit • Delete Sara Islas oh sweet! Hi Iza! :D 9:47 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 10:02 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
10:00 PM Oct 13 Delete paragraph Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 10:01 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
10:00 PM Oct 13 Format: indent first line Reply Sara Islas
10:00 PM Oct 13 Format: indent first line Reply Sara Islas
10:00 PM Oct 13 Format: indent first line Reply Sara Islas
9:59 PM Oct 13 Selected text: ⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿⟿ Wednesday, October 3rd, 1932: The Crash (Father) Maybe I'm not reading closely enough, but I don't see how the crash in the former section connects to this crash. Are they meant to be?
I have to say I'm a tad confused about this section. Is this still from Tristan's perspective? Reply • Resolve Sara Islas is this at another time? 9:59 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:57 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: “Spoiled is what you are, boy. Back when I was a kid, I’d’ve been hung for actin’ like you do. You’re a whiny little priss is what you are. You wanna walk around here, glarin’ like you got somethin’ to say to me? Then say it boy! Say it straight to my face like a man. Whether or not you can take what comes after is up to God.”
“Sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir.” incredibly compelling dialogue Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:57 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:54 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: escape love this verb. let it stand on it's own, perhaps Reply Sara Islas a good rule to use is to avoid adverbs unless totally necessary :) I haven't really talked about that, but I feel like you are advanced enough of a writer to live without 'em :) 9:55 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:57 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:53 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: “Look what she’s done to you Tristan. What did I do!? What did I do to deserve this?” I love this piece of dialogue but it also feels awkward because the first line uses "you" and the following switch back to "i"... maybe choose one. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:57 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:47 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: Well, he must be; he always talks about it. subtle but effective way to build character through very unique voice Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:57 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:49 PM Oct 13 Delete:“,” Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:48 PM Oct 13 Delete:“¨” Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:48 PM Oct 13 Replace:“¨” with “; it” Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:49 PM Oct 13 Add:“s” Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:48 PM Oct 13 Format: italic Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:50 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: each other. Maybe she wasn’t too dumb after all. why is she "not too dumb?" does he hear her coming closer? i feel like there needs to be a reason why he says maybe she's not that dumb. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:56 PM Oct 13 Sara Islas
9:54 PM Oct 13 Delete:“viciously” Reply Izadora Mcgawley Suggestion accepted 9:55 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:53 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: “Why is everything so familiar? I feel like I’ve been here so many times before, but that’s impossible. I would remember, wouldn’t I?” My head aches and my heart races. “This is crazy, what’s going on? Why can’t I think straight?”
I close my eyes, and it all starts coming back...
“What are you doing Tristan?! Put that down!” My mother shields herself in defense. “I can’t do this anymore mama! I’m so sick of it! What did I do? WHAT DID I DO?” “You were a mistake boy! All you do is whine and take all of our food! You do nothing all day! Do you know how much I had to do to get by when I was your age? You’ll never learn you spoiled brat.” I step toward her, anger and adrenaline pumping through my veins. She punches me in the face, she knees me in the stomach, but I don’t care. I slice her throat open and she gasps for air. I hear her choke and watch her fall to the floor. My clothes are soaked in blood. Tears rush down my … pour Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 9:14 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:43 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: Suicide rates are up, and so is the amount of homeless, parentless children roaming the streets of New Orleans. sprinkle Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:44 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: I turn off the radio and proceed to pick away at the scabs that encrust my bare arms. sprinkleinklile Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:46 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: The blood drip, drip, drips onto my feet. sprinnklekkkklkqlkekllkele Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:46 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: ¨Really mama?¨ I mumble, ¨Another one?¨ sprinkleleleklekekle Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:47 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. My fists were clenched and my teeth grinded against each other. Maybe she wasn’t that dumb after all. sprinkleinkle spoon Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:51 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: A day later I’m broken and bruised in a tub full of ice. A dirty mirror hangs above the sink, the harsh reflection of the sun blinding my already swollen eye. The porcelain beneath my body had a thick coat of dirt and slime, like the swamp had flooded into the house while I wasn’t looking. I shift wearily and, to my discontent, find yet another wound. I stare at myself in the mirror. “Look what she’s done to you Tristan. What did I do!? What did I do to deserve this?” My hands wrap around a large chunk of ice. Tears viciously escape down my cheeks. Every throw distorts the horrific reflection before me a little bit at a time. Finally, my swollen face breaks into shards of glass and falls onto the floor. The room is still and lifeless. My thoughts are the same. My life is the same. My family is the same. Lifeless. spoonity spoon Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:52 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: Backyard
The once green grass is stained red, and the source lies desolate before me. I stare down at the mangled mess of cowardice. He was a terrible father. He’d only ever spoke to me when I needed discipline.
“Spoiled is what you are, boy. Back when I was a kid, I’d’ve been hung for actin’ like you do. You’re a whiny little priss is what you are. You wanna walk around here, glarin’ like you got somethin’ to say to me? Then say it boy! Say it straight to my face like a man. Whether or not you can take what comes after is up to God.”
“Sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir.”
How ironic that he’s the one who ended up this way.
The heat and humidity have already begun the decaying process, the flies seem to be swarming quickly. I see the blood drip, drip, drip from his cracked neck. I picture that he looked almost like a ballerina, dancing, falling through the sky, an unseen beauty lasting for only an instant. Now, he looks more like a co… spoon Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Izadora Mcgawley
1:51 PM Oct 13 • Re-open Selected text: CRASH!
“Tristan!” My mother stomps into the room, the smell of her breath louder than the sound in question. “What the hell are you doin’ in here?!” She glares at me with violent eyes. My stomach flips and my body trembles. “Nothin. It ain’t me Ma.” My hands are up and my head is down. It always happens so quick. She takes a step toward me. I reach to the floor and grab a piece of the broken mirror. I drag it across her skin with every ounce of hatred I have stored inside of me. Blood, once again, drip, drip, drips onto my feet, and I feel a familiar feeling of intoxication rush through my body. spooning Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 8:20 PM Oct 13 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:05 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: A day later I’m broken and bruised in a tub full of ice. Maybe you can describe the bathroom and the stick part more b/c him grinding it into a point is too much of a coincidence that he kills his mom with it. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 5:17 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:11 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: “Sorry sir. It won’t happen again sir.” New speaker=new paragraph Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 4:59 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:10 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: cowardice I like this adjective. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 4:58 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:09 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: life Lifeless? Maybe you can change it into a more appropriate word. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 4:56 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:08 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: I dig down through the ice and find a small piece of wood. I liked how before you talked about how fast it was that he killed her. Maybe you can elaborate on this death, unless there's reason for the lack of detail. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 4:54 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:07 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: here Here? Maybe you can put "there." Or maybe she's knocking loudly on the door. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 4:39 PM Oct 4 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:13 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: is *are Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 2:24 PM Oct 2 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:13 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: for a second I am lost. Lost looking at Alfred? Maybe clarify. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 2:23 PM Oct 2 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:04 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: Maybe she wasn’t that dumb after all. Love the blunt ending of the chapter! Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 2:14 PM Oct 2 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:03 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: I can hear mama popping open another bottle of booze, and I only hope that she keeps her distance while she drinks it. I think it would be cool to add an effect of Tristan hearing the pop of the bottle opening. That way, it's more sensory of him being quiet in his room. Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 2:14 PM Oct 2 Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:12 PM Oct 2 Selected text: M Maybe you can describe what he sees in the streets and what he took with him after leaving the house. Reply • Resolve Aleia Maria Dela Cuadra
2:01 PM Oct 2 • Re-open Selected text: he’ll say He will say? Maybe you can change it to "he would say." Reply Izadora Mcgawley Marked as resolved 2:10 PM Oct 2